Category: ED Recovery

Marcas de una vida

No les llame arrugas. No a las mías. Son las trincheras que han servido como refugio en mis mil y una batallas.

Usted verá ojeras, pero no son sino hondonadas donde rompen los mares de mis ojos. Bahías de lágrimas, de una arena oscurecida por noches sin luna.

¿Ceño fruncido? ¿Una media sonrisa? Son solo líneas que demuestran el vaivén de mis emociones. Gráficas grabadas en piel que reflejan la fluctuación de los sentimientos.

No me hable de curvas, por favor; valiente eufemismo. Son el sacrificio con el que cargo, como preparación para la siguiente emboscada. Kilos de resistencia ante los embates de la vida, que azotan cíclicamente sin poderlos detener. Mis líneas de flotación, aquellas que no dejarán que me hunda consumida y convertida en hueso.

Disculpe, no son signos de la edad. Son las marcas de una vida.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO THE GYM AFTER MORE THAN A DECADE

TOP 5 THINGS I AM FLIPPED OUT

I don’t know how, but it’s September already. As thousands and thousands of people, I just started a gym routine last week. I know loads of you actually exercise regularly. Well, I don’t.

I used to be a very sportive girl when I was at school, until both an eating disorder (ED) and anxiety made exercising an obsession for me. I had to quit all activities that implied burning calories or monitoring my physical performance and body image. However I am lucky enough to be an active person, so in spite of not having practiced any sports for more than fifteen years, I haven’t gained a lot of weight or become a coach potato. I do walk, play with my kid and fill my weekends with outdoor activities.

During all these years, however, I have always felt some kind of need to be more sporty. But the fear of becoming obsessive again was so strong, for both me and my loved ones, that I didn’t try to start any constant practice.

Now, in this new era of mine, I am determined to change that. Besides, not only my doctors but also my therapists are constantly remembering me about the benefits of exercising to battle against depression, discouragement and my dreadful insomnia. Thus, I signed up for a multi-activity plan at a sports center next to my house. 

Since then, I have been there around four or five times (well done, girl!). I am actually quite happy already: I have more energy and feel like doing more things, I am a bit more enthusiastic and positive about many problems around, and… I am sleeping much better! 

Nevertheless, my return to the fitness world has left me completely amazed. Gyms are now a total different and new world! It’s like a Disneyland for sporties! Let me tell you the top 5 oddities I’ve discovered so far:

Fitness fashion/clothes

When I was around fifteen years old, there were two kind of looks: men and women. That was all, folks. Nowadays I think it is just the other way round! And watch out! You must have different outfits; matching colors, different activities, summer – winter, … I just grab my sneakers and whatever that makes me feel less ridiculous! (Probably, by the time time you are reading this, I would have spent more than a 100€ in fancy fitness outfits…)

What am I doing apart from learning English?

I know about globalization, non-translation wave, language simplicity. I am a linguist, for god’s shake! But I truly have no freaking idea of what kind of exercise I am going to do by just reading its name. I remember having Aerobic classes, bodybuilding areas and passive exercises -normally for older people. When I look at my gym’s timetable now, I always have to ask someone what’s the next activity about: C. Sinergy, Bodybar, Crossfit, Spinning, – Indoor Cycling, Stretching, TRX, Cross Zem, Body Pump… and I could continue to the infinite and beyond. What’s more, it takes me like 10 minutes to understand what you are actually supposed to be doing at each of them. 

Timetables

Seriously people, what the hell are you doing a Sunday morning at 8 am at the gym? I know this is more common in other countries, but a few years ago Sports Centers’ timetables were very similar to those of shops and stores. Now we have 24/7 gyms, and people actually attend any time! Before, if someone told you that she/he could not do whatever on a Wednesday 10 pm, you wouldn’t belive her/him and probably thought it was a lame excuse. But nowadays… it’s you who must justify why you are “not doing anything healthy” at that time.  

Older people

Half my class of Zumba are my mom’s age. True story. And I am super excited about it! I wish people of any age could exercise regularly. I am always happy around mixed and different groups, although it was definitely not what I was used to seeimg in a gym. Over 60s have made a clean sweep on Yoga and Pilates lessons. They also enrol in many activities related to dancing, like ballroom dancing, salsa, tango, and so on. Our parents are not only healthier, but they are having much more fun than us as well!

“Fitness Lifestyle”

Some of my friends used to have their “football gang” or their “basket group”. My parents used to (and still do so) practice ballroom dancing, and they normally have a couple of drinks with the rest of the class on Thursdays or Fridays nights. Nowadays, though, it’s basically an urban tribe, a kind of a subculture, a VIP group that only fitted ones can enjoy. They spent most of their life either at the gym, or talking about their activities or participating in different competitions -every single weekend! There is no time for such futile stuff like movies, partying, reading, family, knitting or any other thing in the world. 

Well, this is what I needed to express after my getting back into sports. I have been trying to resist myself so bad for some days because I wasn’t very sure about my persistence. But now that I feel I am capable of creating some sort of routing, I am very interested in your opinion about this fitness/gym thing. How does it work in your country? Have you ever had similar feelings? Which are the different points of view depending on age? 

And of course, if you are one of those VIP Gym members… please, tell us all about it!

I wish you all a fit day!

FOTOS

Nunca había visto cómo soy en realidad. Nunca me había reconocido en las descripciones ajenas. Me he burlado y sentido ridícula en incontables ocasiones por no ser capaz de creer las características que me asignaban.

Años y años de negación ante cualquier sonido de clic, de destrozar retratos y guardar decenas de álbumes en el rincón más recóndito que pudiera haber. De obviar opiniones de cualquier tipo y evitar conversaciones sobre el yo.

Pero el día menos pensado, un simple móvil de gama media recoge, sin filtros, retoques, efectos, ni pretensiones, un sincero abanico de grises: curvas, arrugas, poses, miradas, sonrisas. Por supuesto, vuelve la negativa a ver cualquier resultado, hasta que, tras mucha insistencia, accedo a mirar. Como si de una sanación milagrosa se tratase, los ojos se abren ante una belleza sencilla y pura. Una mujer en blanco y negro que me parece bella. Necesito observar todo otro par de veces para darme cuenta de que esa mujer soy YO.

Me recreo un buen rato. Primero, incrédula. Después, avergonzada y, finalmente, tremendamente feliz y satisfecha. Agradecida, ilusionada y orgullosa. Continúo recreándome durante días; aún sigo haciéndolo.

Me reconozco bella, me reconozco como yo.

Ahí permanecerán los blancos, negros y grises, para recordarme cómo soy en realidad. Cuando no quiera reconocer que soy ella, cuando pase de largo ante cualquier reflejo, cuando sienta vergüenza de cada uno de mis 169 centímetros. Y cuando nadie entienda nada de esto.

Miraré y podré ver, de nuevo, cómo soy en realidad. Porque es bien sabido que a las personas de poca fe nos vale más una imagen que mil palabras (o pensamientos). La mente es capaz de distorsionar la realidad, pero con tiempo, ciencia y cuidados, podemos, al menos, ser conscientes de esa distorsión; un paso enorme que permite deshacernos del autoengaño y disfrutar de la belleza.

Intentado huir de clichés de autoayuda, juro solemnemente que no hay nada más pasional y emotivo que disfrutar de la belleza propia. El ego y la vanidad, en su justa medida, son necesarios; nos enseñan y nos permiten avanzar, madurar.

Lo maravilloso de la realidad es que está ahí siempre. Lo maravilloso de haber vivido fuera de ella y encontrarla es saber que nunca se irá.

Ahora solo falta pasar al color.

MY OWN “B-DAY”

Today  it was my D Day. Or, better said, it was my B Day. No, not my birthday, but the first time, this year, I wore a bikini in public.

Some of you will probably think what’s going on with such a silly thing: OK, enjoy the beach and the sun, don’t forget your SPF protection… But I am quite sure that most of you will understand, that you will know what I’m talking about. And you will be probably right.

For anyone who suffered and suffers from any of the thousands of different eating disorders and body image distortions -and, trust me, that’s quite a lot of people-, this day is very, very important. Like one of the most freaking days of the year.

There’s the preparation. You have to choose the bikini you will be wearing, which means you will have to try it on and face the mirror. That mirror will reflect your actual body, almost nude. And whether you like what you see or not, that’s the real you: the person people will see in a beach or a swimming pool. You will probably try not to look for long, but once you get it, go for the next step.

And there’s the real action. You’ll get out and reach the beach. You’ll spread out your towel on the sand and put your staff on it. And now (drum roll…), you’ll get your clothes off and expose your bikini body to the public. The worst 30 seconds in your life. Every year. Unavoidable.

But that’s all, folks: 30 shitty seconds of panic. There are around seven billion people in the world. I swear everyone will not be looking at you; neither at your body. The people you are sourrounded by will actually and probably be feeling the same! That’s how stupid we human beings are.

Instead of reading a good book, playing freely with our kids or jogging a little bit on the seashore, we double up, put on some big sunglasses and pretend our body is not there with us. But it is; it is not going to disappear or miraculously become a Victoria’s Angels’ one. I am not going to tell you that you are not only much more than a body, but also further much more than a simple piece of clothing.

I do not want to talk about tips or deeper feelings. This is my way of asking you to please charge and inspire yourself with all the incredible, beautiful and truly helpful body positivity influencers out there. Do not stare at your tummy; do not pinch your thighs; do not stay at home; do not keep your T-shirt on when it’s burning out there. Please, do not. You, me, everyone: we deserve better! We are rational beings!

And after all this, I just wanted to share with you that I actually did it! I put on my bikini, walked to the beach with a summery dress, sat on my towel and voilà… my bikini and I sunbathed for like 15 minutes. Yes, that was all… Galerna (stormy northwest wind, very common in the Basque coast) invaded our area and everyone dissppeared.

But effort made (a huge one) and mission accomplished! If I could, so can you.

Pic by @lebroudy