THE nonNNIVERSARY

I am not going to lie. I don’t remember the day so graphically, I cannot recall every detail and feeling. What I can certainly say is that it was the best day of my life and the best party I’ve ever been to. 

It was five years ago, and I was supposed to be celebrating it this weekend. I was supposed to be having dinner in a romantic and chic -yet kind of hipster- restaurant. I was supposed to be talking about those memories I do not remember but he does, laughing at them. I was supposed to be holding his hand and been cherished; probably making love, or at least fondling. 

But I am not, and it is so freaking painful. I know… life is life, shit happens, it’s more common than you think. Yes, I got it. But it is so freaking painful when IT happens to YOU. I am spending these days feeling miserable, in spite of all my loved ones’ support and help. They can take me out for dinner, cherish me, even make me laugh. My little girl can “make love to me” in such a different but pleasant way. 

Does it feel better? Yes. A little bit. I am not where I used to. I am not with whom I used to. I am not how I used to. I am different now. My life is different now. My world fell down, maybe for good. However, I have to rebuild it now, ALONE. There’s no other pair of hands at home. There’s no partner to raise your child with any more. There are not two salaries, same mortgage though. 

How will it be from now on? Will I feel this all late July-s until the day I die? Will I find someone to mitigate these thoughts of uselessness, emptiness and loneliness? Do I need that someone? When will I assume that I am missing half the life of my daughter? Will I be able to survive that horrible fact?

I know I am always full of questions. I guess that’s me. A constantly questioning meaningless human being, with common problems and a common life, who does not appear to be able to hold herself.

I will sleep alone again today. My little girl by my side, but feeling alone anyway. Thus, my glass of wine today goes to all those couples that have so much to celebrate. For many more to come…